It's such a strange feeling when all of the corny things people have been telling you for years, all of those old proverbs and pieces of advice that we seem to disregard as too obvious to be really important, fall into place. It's scary to think of how much time you've wasted coming to realize these things, but appropriately comforting to think of what you'll be able to accomplish with it all in mind. I'm happy. I'm very happy, but most importantly, for the right reasons. It's been far too long since I've been able to say that.

For those who don't know me, or rather, been paying attention, I've been rather miserable for the past few years. I don't mean miserable solely in a personal sense, but in every aspect of my character. My regards for others, myself physically and emotionally, my goals and priorities have all been in the wrong place. It's been a steadying problem. The neurosis and self pity had for a long time swelled within me up until they reached a point a short while ago when I felt I had had enough. When given such an ultimatum, there are only two possible outcomes. One, you’re not strong enough and end it. Two, you somehow reflect and turn things around. Now I state the obvious, and I think it's apparent that only one of these anyone could really want, but for a while, it didn't look like I was going to be able to head in that direction, despite what I wanted. What happened? Well just as the title (quite bluntly) states, this is about perseverance. There came a point where suddenly things made sense to me, and I feel my having arrived there is largely due to a certain person and my experience with them.

You see, my problem is that I've been afraid. I've been afraid of the future and afraid that I won't live up to what I want for myself. All of the people who were supposed to be strong influences on me, and who were supposed to be there for me over the years, either weren't strong or weren't there at all. I've had such terrible confidence that I cannot explain, and to make it worse, in the midst of it all, I managed to fall in love. I think you can imagine the situation. Someone who's unsure of themselves and their relationships is bound to push people away. They're afraid to face themselves, so they don't want others to see them either. I don't think anyone can go on happily without friends or people to confide with. This is where my worst conflict arose. I wanted people to be close to me and care about me, and I wanted to be close to them, but I'd spent so long hiding behind something fake and distancing myself that I would unwillingly shelter myself. When they weren't there for me, when I finally did discourage them, I told myself that they didn't care. Then, I would just feel worse and space myself further. Love and relationships cannot be fostered in this environment. You can't love someone, or expect them to love you, when you don't love yourself. I wish I had realized this sooner.

This cycle of disappointment, of me wanting someone's care but making myself distant and wanting to give up refers mostly to one person; the person I mentioned earlier, when I said I had managed to fall in love. I love her. I have said it now, and I will mean it forever. Throughout the past year or so when my personal difficulties seemed to amplify ten fold, she was my constant driving force and the only thing that ever made me challenge the way I had been thinking. If it wasn't for that, I fear I would never have been able to fully realize what I had been doing wrong.

You see, there would be times when I would be feeling particularly dismal. I would lose sight completely of what I wanted to do and what I had to do to get there, but I was able to talk about it somewhat with her and for a time, I would feel changed. To know that someone cared was so important. That momentary happiness showed me what I had been for some reason avoiding. Most of the time however, she would be cold to me and indifferent, and I would not know what to think, because as I’ve said, at others that was far from the case.

Finally I see what it all means. She, my sole importance, was out of my reach because of the way I had become. I realized after so long that I couldn't sit by and try to make people feel sorry for me. I couldn't just wait for things to happen. She hurt me so bad before, but what I've learned means so much. I'm at a turning point in my life. I'm going to be in a position soon where I will make decisions that will decide much of my future, and suddenly, I also have to undo all of the damage that I've done to myself and people close to me here. I feel that whether or not I take advantage of what I've learned will decide whether I'll be able to apply it to the rest of my life or not. I need more closure with my most important relationships before I'm able to move on. I suppose I'm treating it like a test.

I'm trying to take things one step at a time, and right now, most of all, I hope it's not too late for me to turn things around with the people I've pushed away. To my friends, I want to be more sincere. And to this girl, who I've done the most damage with, I want.. I just want her to know that I appreciate her. I don't look at her as some object that I need to obtain. I only want to be someone she can trust and come to, whether it's now or in the future. I see now that I care for her enough to accept that I may not be the one she needs. I want her to have the world for how much she means to me and what she's done for me, and for the first time I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that it may not be me to give her all of it. I just want to be there for her. I think the pain and rapture of relationships is much more bearable with this sort of clemency. Aside from what else makes me care for her, what she's done for me, whether she realizes it or not, I will never forget. I just hope I can take things back to the time before I started killing myself and telling people, telling her, the apathetic, miserable things that made them think so much less of me. But we'll see how things turn out.

Now I'm doing everything I can to turn around my situation in school, and the way I act with my friends. I want to be a better person for the people around me, and for the first time, for myself. I want to be successful and write. I want to see the world and be happy, and now I realize that it won't come without work.

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So that's what's been up with me. Now how are you doing! haha. I wrote that to organize my thoughts, but I'm not quite sure why I did so in this particular way; it sounds like a school paper. But, you know, whatever. I'm doing both good and bad. I'll keep you updated if anything too consequential happens.